Who are you going to call?

I still know your number by heart. In a time of cell phones where no one actually knows anyone’s number, I still know yours. Life has given me so many reasons to want and need to call you. 

Something amazing happened the other day. One of those mountaintop moments in life where you just can’t wait to call all your special people and relive the moment through a breathless retell of your story. When you finally take a breath to give your person a chance to respond they are going to be just as elated as you are because they have poured into you, they have invested in you and have toiled in prayer over your life and circumstances. Today is the birthday of one of my most special people. I couldn’t call her the other day to tell her about my mountaintop moment but I could imagine what she might say to me and that is at least something. 

It’s been 3 years without being able to celebrate your birthday.  I’ve heard some people say it’s your heavenly birthday which I don’t quite get. I’d imagine that if you were celebrating a birthday you’d want to be here with us as you always were. Your were turning 71. We were camping. The whole family was here. It was hot and sweaty. You were lovely and without complaint as usual. That was your last birthday here with us and no one knew. But God knew. It was in His time, not mine. Had it been mine I would have never let you go. 

I think about you everyday still. No length of time will ever extinguish my thoughts towards you. I write on these special days to process my grief. Every special day brings a new wave of grief that disrupts the normal ebb and flow of the daily absence of you. The writing actually brings more pain but I know that working through that pain is necessary. If there was one thing that you ever taught me it was about progress in pain. I write because I can’t call you. Somehow getting the words in black and white are a substantial but woefully incomparable substitute for the sound of your voice. And lastly I write so others can remember you too. Social media is dull without you in it so I write so that there is a space for you there once again. 

I’ve been brave enough to revisit your Facebook page today even though I was admittedly nauseous. I saw that you posted this just two days before leaving us and going home. 

“The Lord God is my strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hind’s feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!” Habakkuk 3:19 Amplified 
If you know Habakkuk’s story you know that he had to learn to have hope in all circumstances. You know that his words are credible. You know that he grew in faith and lived through doubt, making his words in verse (19) a conclusion that he had to come to in his realization of our sovereign God. It’s experiential learning. 

We all have to reconcile in our lives what we know to be true in the Word of God with what we experience. My Mom was just one of those people that did that well. She was always trying to pay attention to what God was teaching her and it didn’t come easy. I think of Micah 6:8 “ He has showed you, O man, what is good and what the Lord requires of you. But to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”  It has been said that there are no great men or women of God. Only men and women who are obedient to God’s call on their life.  So I won’t say Happy Birthday Mom. I will say that I miss you and I miss your example of humility and obedience. And I do this everyday but also on this very special earthly day that we got the privilege to celebrate 71 times. 

I treasure every memory of you and hope that today you are remembered well. 


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