Do this...Not that (part 2)

Last week marked three years since my mother, Karen, passed from this life to the next. I usually like to spend some time alone reflecting on where I was, what I've grown from and God's tender mercy over my life but I couldn't because I was out of state chaperoning a trip. It was a blessed time with my daughter and her friends. It definitely was not a vacation, the schedule was packed and the sleep was minimal. I missed my Mom's prayers over us. I missed her texting and being genuinely interested in all the mundane details. There are very few people in your life interested in the boring parts of it. I've been revisiting one of the last conversations I had with her. I wish I could remember all that we said but I don't. What I do remember is me telling her how grateful I was to have her. She told me she was grateful to have me too.  I'm so glad we expressed these types of things to each other. I wish I would have written more things down. I'm taking the time to do it now. 

Writing it out is important to me. Anything my Mom wrote is a little treasure. Whether it's an old card or an old bible study I cherish her written words. Maybe someday someone I love will cherish these words I'm writing now. I share it because it's my way of honoring my mother's memory. Saying her name and talking about her love and sacrifice bring me comfort.  My story is forever attached with hers and so I choose to write and share. No. I have not made an idol out of grief. I have not put my pain on a pedestal. I am simply acknowledging that it's still there and that's okay. I'm learning so much about myself, others and most importantly who God is. I hope you'll allow me to share a few more things I've learned along the way. As I've stated before, you can do with this information what you will, but I am praying that one thing might help you help others. 

For numbers 1, 2 and 3 of the "Do this, Not that" list please see (part 1) of this blog. 

4. Don't make it about you.

I realize that when you are talking about your grief (which I rarely do) in the company of others it creates discomfort. People automatically want to "fix it." This is when I've heard people say things like "I understand how you feel" or "when my Mom died..." These sound like perfectly fine things to say but when people are sharing their grief you actually don't have to say anything at all. You can just listen. Trust me. They don't go around talking about it all day. So if they are being brave enough to share in that moment it is okay to just listen. I feel like we say "I understand how you feel" because we just want our own discomfort to go away. We don't want to feel unsettled anymore about someone else's troubles. I've done it myself and I can testify that bearing another's burdens is not an easy task. When someone is struggling under a heavy weight our job is to help ease their load. Emphasis on "their". (Galatians 6:2)

I've seen this play out another way as well. It is common to get asked "how are you doing?" Because I am honest, early on in my grief I've answered this question like so; "I feel alone" or "I feel unsupported."

I've gotten responses like "I've tried to reach out to you," "I called you and you didn't call me back," etc. 

It's not about you. 

Just stay curious. Ask "why?" and then just listen. This is how we bear one another's burdens. This is how we help folks get to the destination that the Lord has for them. The added strength of a supportive friend can be the difference between deeper despair or greater hope. The words of comfort come easier when we are truly focused outward instead of inward. 

Because we all have a need to make sense of the difficult things that happen to us in life.

5. Don't be vague in your offers of support

"If you need anything at all."

I'm sure we've all said this at some point. First off, if you are going to say "call me if you need anything," and the person never calls you, please follow-up with them.  However, when this was told to me...I actually had no idea what I needed. I found it more helpful when people just told me specifically what they were going to do. "I am free tomorrow all day and I am going to call at least three times and you can pick up if you need to talk." "I know that you probably aren't eating so I'm going to the store to pick up some healthy snacks and I will drop them off on my way home from work." When people did things like this it was such a burden lifted off me to try and figure out what to ask for. It's the difference between saying you will help and actually helping. I try to be very specific in my offers of support now. 

Because in grief when you can finally find the words they are even more difficult to express. 

Thank you to all those that have listened and encouraged me. Thank you to those that can relate at all to anything that I've said here and will reach out to me to make it known. You honor my Mom's memory in doing so. She always encouraged me to write. I do this for her and I do this because God has been close to my broken heart and I feel compelled to share all that He has taught me. 

I was reading through my Mom's Study Bible and she highlighted and underlined this section that was attached to Hebrews 5:8-9. 

"God will use everything in our past. No matter how painful it was, He considers it experience. Many of us have gone through difficult things, and those things qualify us to help take someone else through them too."

Because adversity can bring about beauty.