Do This... Not That (All in love)

My Dad had a very particular way of doing things. I must have inherited it from him because my Mom always told me I was very particular...in those exact words. It's been two years since my Dad's passing, and in honor of him, I write this today. He always showed me the correct way to do things: "do it this way Jam Jam." I've dealt with sudden, unexpected loss and anticipatory loss, and I'm still working through the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of it all, but there are a few things I've learned. As we will all experience grief, I've committed myself to do some things differently in support of others who might be on a grief journey, knowing that it all has its particular DNA. You can do with this information what you will, but I am praying that one thing might help you help others dealing with immense loss.

1. Don't tell your grieving loved one what their person might have said to them. "Your Mom would have told you..."

We have the best intentions when we do this, but there are a few things that surfaced for me when I heard these words. The first is that it was a painful reminder that we actually will never know what my loved one might have said amid the loss because they are no longer here, and that's part of the pain-losing part of your support system. Secondly, it assumes that you know the person better than they did. When someone is suffering the death of someone so central to their lives, they are leaning on every past interaction they have ever had with that person. They've spent days accessing their long-term memories of words of wisdom the person has given them to gain peace and perspective. Maybe they've even scoured through texts, emails, and old letters to try to hear those words once again. You can't assume to know what their loved ones' words would be to them better than what they've already clung to. 

So instead, do this. Ask them. Just ask. "What do you think your Mom would have said to you during this time?" It's such a slight shift that makes a huge difference. It gives your grieving loved one the opportunity to talk about their person and tell you about those texts, emails, and letters they've found or a memory they've surfaced. 

Proverbs 15:23: "to make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!"

2. Don't mistake tears for weakness or a lack of healing. 

Tears make people uncomfortable. Some cultures think you don't cry in front of others at all. Mirror neurons make it so that when someone cries, we also want to cry, which is why we choose not to engage. However, crying is a normal human reaction to intense emotions. It helps your body release endorphins. As a trained School Counselor, I know that each time a student retells their story, no matter how dark it might be, it is the path toward light. 

So instead of shying away from tears or feeling awkward about what to say- ENGAGE. Grief does not just go away. Life gets busy, and your grieving loved one still has responsibilities to tend to, as does everyone else. That doesn't mean they aren't still wishing someone would ask, "What was your Dad like?" The tears sometimes come at the most inopportune moments, and your grieving loved one should not feel like they are disrupting your peaceful environment or like they are being judged as not having gotten over it yet. This is actually just life now. 

Psalm 126:5-6 "Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. 

3. As fellow saints in the faith, don't just say, "Death has no power over you." 

Yes, this is a biblical truth according to Romans 6:9 and Revelation 21:4; however, I'll just let you read the words of C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed as he speaks of the death of his beloved wife. 

"It is hard to have patience with people who say "there is no death" or "death doesn't matter." There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say birth doesn't matter. I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?" 

So instead, allow griefs magnitude to be expressed. Be the person ready to listen. Let us love one another even when it's not convenient. 

Ecclesiastes 7:2 It is better to go to the house of mourning that to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart. 

I love you Dad!